Chris Christie, Leader of the Free World

Imagine you work for a large, belligerent, mean-spirited man—sort of like a wild boar but without the grace and sense of portion control—say, someone like Chris Christie. And you and some of your fellow minions (all of whose careers depend completely on the wild boar’s good will) come up with a really, really great idea, a wonderful plan to punish the “animals” (preferred gubernatorial terminology for “Democrats”) who have been nipping at your boss’s heels. The one little catch is that if word of your plan gets out, your boss will be incredibly embarrassed and suffer great political harm, perhaps even to the extent of having to speak politely to reporters. What to do? Do you a) run with the plan anyway, knowing the boss loves surprises and would never dream of taking retribution on you if by chance you accidentally scuttle his chance to be president, or b) even though you’re sure he’ll totally love your plan, cover your ass by making sure he was ok with it? “Uh, say, boss, I bet it would make those bums up in Ft. Lee look pretty bad if there was to be, like maybe, uh some traffic problems on the bridge, uh, you think?” (for current background on the bridge scandal, see NYT article)

Clearly the answer is “b.” Underlings, even clueless Republican underlings, working for a bullying micromanager wouldn’t even dream of taking such a politically drastic step without having an ok from above. So it looks like we’re in for a long round of “what did he know and when did he know it” to see if someone was so incredibly stupid as to document a conversation with the governor about causing 4 days of gridlock in the entire town of Ft. Lee.

However, as entertaining as this might be (Rachel Maddow is proving an excellent and engaging investigative reporter), I’m not sure it really matters. Or matters in terms of whether Chris Christie is the kind of person we want as the ever-becoming-less-aptly-termed Leader of the Free World (although certainly still “leader of a gigantic army with thousands of nuclear weapons”). It does matter in terms of possible indictment or impeachment but here’s why it doesn’t matter for the Christie for President nightmare (and why “b” might not actually be the correct answer). Assume for a minute that Christie actually in truth didn’t know about the plan. To me that means that the underlings were all so completely convinced that the bridge closure plot was simply “business as usual,” something so obviously in line with Christie’s wishes and modus operandi, that it didn’t even occur to them to get permission—it would be like getting permission to order pizza. They know what he wants without him having to say. So the fact that Christie runs an administration in which underhanded political tricks that inconvenience 10s of thousands (and apparently caused one death) are considered business as usual—something not worth bothering the boss about—is as damning as if Christie had cooked up the entire scheme himself and moved all the traffic cones (although he’s already confessed to that). Whatever turns up from here on out, Christie is clearly unfit for the Oval Office. What remains to be seen is whether he is fit for an early bus ticket home.

“Big Government” Vs Snowden

Since President Obama took office, conservatives have railed almost continuously against “big government” and “government spending.” They have latched onto these memes as tightly (and with about as much intelligence) as a starfish trying to pull open a clam—though I must say I don’t recall hearing a peep about these concerns during Bush’s 2 terms.

So by all rights and logic, Edward Snowden should be a hero of the conservatives, shouldn’t he? After all, the NSA surveillance program he revealed was large and expensive. And even more anti-conservative, its whole purpose was to gather and store massive amounts of data on everybody in America. That’s something they used to do in East Germany, not the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Heck, during the time of the founding fathers, many argued against having a CENSUS because that would be a major infringement on freedom. “You want to know how many people live in my house? Bugger off!” So you can just imagine what they would’ve thought about the government compiling a list of everyone you ever wrote or spoke to.

That must mean conservatives want to give Snowden the Medal of Freedom and a lifetime fellowship at the Heritage Foundation, right? Nah, they want to kill him. Their only debate is whether to just kill him or to give him a fair trial and then kill him.

What’s with this? Well, it’s because conservatives really don’t believe in their own memes. They’re not against big government. They’re against big government that protects its people from dying of hunger and treatable medical conditions. But they’re totally FOR big government that protects its people from dying of being blown up by Muslims. They’re not really against government spending. They’re just against government spending that helps ordinary people get an education or keep their homes. They’re totally in favor of government spending (or providing tax breaks—same thing) to help big companies keep their businesses.  

Why this logical inconsistency? Well, I think deep down, conservatives (at least a few) actually do understand that just as it doesn’t matter how many brushes or how much paint Rembrandt used, it’s not the SIZE of government and number of dollars spent that’s important, it’s WHAT that government does with its size and spending that really matters. Thing is, when you get down to it, what they want the government to do are things that benefit only THEM. Keep me safe from terrorists (who could strike ANYWHERE!)? Fine. Keep other people (particularly those with less income and darker skin color) safe from illness? What a waste. They probably brought it on themselves anyway.

Now this is actually quite rational. Unfortunately, it’s rational because conservatives realize that the memes “I’m against big government” and “I’m against taxes” sound a whole lot better than their real meme, which is “To heck with you, what about me?” And portraying the progressives’ meme as “Tax and spend” riles up the conservative base a lot more than would the actual progressive meme “We’re all in this together, so let’s see what we can do to make life better for everyone.”

So how about Snowden? Well, is the NSA surveillance program making life better for us all? Does it even help anyone? Doesn’t appear to be much evidence of that—no senator has come forth to say “I saw completely convincing evidence that it foiled a major terrorist attack. Although I can’t tell you the specifics, I have no doubt it worked.” No, the NSA seems to have created a program both sides can hate. It is an expensive overreach that has taken away significant privacy rights with little demonstrable benefit and is now defending itself by playing on overblown fears of personal danger. Snowden didn’t give away the store, he lifted up the flat rock showing the creepy-crawlies hiding beneath.