Casualties from Iranian Invasion Continue to Mount, Approach 150,000

What if the headline looked like this?
“The Iranian 3 and 4th Armies, aided by what experts believe to be the bulk of the troops in the Revolutionary Guard, have continue their attack on the Gulf Coast. Although no one could have predicted their surprise spring offensive, invading multiple Eastern seacoast ports on inflatable rafts believed to have been supplied by the Chinese, the Pentagon had issued many warnings that despite having their offensive halted in key Northern states such as New York, that they were likely to shift their attack to less protected states, such as in the Southeast.
Currently, Iranian troops have made Florida and Texas into strongholds, where they’ve been easily able to resist the typically feeble and uncoordinated counterassaults launched by a hodgepodge of Army, Marine and National Guard forces. The Iranians have killed a number of our front line troops, but they seem to be concentrating their particular ire on the civilian population, indiscriminately machine-gunning crowds and setting fire to every nursing home they encounter. To date, Iranian forces have killed over 140,000 Americans and wounded over a million. Hopes that they would find the oppressive humidity of the Gulf Coast uncongenial, causing them to lose heart and return home to their dry, desert climes have, to date, proved unfounded.
Troops attempting to stem the tide of highly-motivated and well-supported Iranian combat units have been asking for additional scout troops and drones to better determine the exact location of the enemy, but Washington has sent only a few, advising our generals that “If you don’t see any Iranians, they must not be there.” Local commanders state they are also running out of ammunition and flak vests and have been calling their West Point colleagues in other states to see if they’ve got any extras. Some enterprising local residents have taken to hiding in their basement and coming out only furtively while wearing their own flak vests and helmets and avoiding the large crowds that Iranian helicopters find tempting targets. Other residents scoff at such measures and have been gathering unprotected in public locations, where they are frequently on the receiving end of Iranian mortar attacks.
The White House, under an umbrella of air defenses, cybersecurity and the 82nd Airborne advises Gulf Coast commanders and citizens, “Sucks to be you.”
Most people are pinning their hopes on secret anti-Iranian weapons currently being developed.”

You betcha we’d all be running around with our hair on fire if Muslims with machine guns had invaded and killed 140,000 people with no signs of stopping. Our leaders would unite us in an all-out effort to eradicate the invaders. This would be Pearl Harbor on steroids AND crack. We really WOULD have some shock-and-awe. Even the anti-maskers would be dressed in full combat gear and not saying “whatsa matter, pansy, can’t take a bullet?”
However, instead of large (and brown skinned) people with automatic weapons, we have an invisible enemy of no particular religion. And, so, even though the casualties and consequences are equal, we instead have dithering, buck-passing, and general attempt to wish the problem away and demonization of those who try to deal with it.
So if we’d rally together to beat a visible threat, why not do the same for an invisible one?”

What Would Republicans Have Thought of the Boston Tea Party?

I mean, it WAS a Tea Party. That’s good. They were protesting TAXES! Yaay! And everyone dressed up as Indians so they were demonstrating political incorrectness AND pushing blame onto a troublesome minority at the same time. Great, a twofer! Come on, what’s not to like?
Well, hold on a minute. What about the violence part? I mean, they destroyed somebody else’s PRIVATE PROPERTY. You know tea doesn’t grow on trees (well, bushes), and it came on a boat all the way from China or India or someplace far away and those sailors had to go through storms and stuff and that cost somebody a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY and those violent protesters just threw it into the harbor! What if the owner didn’t have enough insurance? Or it didn’t cover acts of war or insurrection—and you know that’s what the insurance company would say, even if it was “Indians” who did it.
AND, even worse, they were protesting the legal actions of their OWN GOVERNMENT. It wasn’t that a few rogue tax collectors were out of control and giving a bad name to all the good tax collectors, it was the King and his whole government who raised the taxes! Gosh, you can’t take to the streets (or docks) to protest your own government, you should SUPPORT your government. No matter what. And if you don’t like it, just leave. God Save the King and all that (you DO stand up when they play that tune, don’t you?).
Gosh, what’s a good Republican to think? People with a just grievance but who are both protesting against the government AND destroying private property! Republican heads are spinning. We hate taxes but we hate violent protests against the government too! Where are my cognitive dissonance pills? I know, if the violent protest involves white people upset about money, it’s good and I’ll name a wing of my party after it. If it’s dark-skinned people upset about being beaten and murdered, it’s bad, and I can go on happily ignoring whose knee was on whose neck.