Trump for King!

Watching the British royal funerary activities this morning gave me a good idea. I know many of my British friends are anti-monarchy but it’s always struck me that it actually made sense to separate the duties of ceremonial head of state and those of the chief executive. I never understood why the US President had to waste so much scarce management time hosting lavish dinners, attending funerals and inaugurations, and drawing weather charts. And don’t get me started on golf! The chief executive of the USA has lots of stuff to do and none of it is THAT!

So, I think the US could use a ceremonial, titular figurehead—a king, if you will—who does all that glad-handing, publicity stuff but stays out of the actual business of running the country. This person could be the subject of the nation’s obsessive leader-worship and free up the actual president to work doing boring things like fixing energy policy, staving off climate change and improving the criminal justice system. Of course, as per the British example, the new American king would have to be good with being the center of constant scrutiny and attention and not mind having the occasional (or frequent) scandal called out. And a large number of neer-do-well offspring and relatives would be a plus and ensure endless media attention and public entertainment. We just have to make sure (as with the British royalty) that the new American king isn’t allowed to get his fingers anywhere near the nuclear trigger, elections, judges, bridges, walls, or anything else whatsoever involving the actual running of the country. But he could have a fancy uniform with more stars and gold braid than anyone, ever.

And who do we know who fits these criteria and loves the trappings of royalty but has no interest in bothersome briefing papers and “policies” and “procedures” and “laws,” and always being reminded about not telling national secrets to our enemies or random passers-by? Who else but Donald Trump?

Think about it. Trump loves being worshipped, catered to and coddled, and being the center of attention—just like a king. Furthermore, his followers desperately want to keep worshiping him and as king, they wouldn’t have to worry about him not getting reelected since he’d be there till he died so they could just shut the fuck up about their election nonsense. And then when he did die, we could have a more entertaining Game of Thrones with Ivanka and Don jr maneuvering to take over—my money’s on Queen Ivanka I. And since Trump wouldn’t have to “run” for office, he wouldn’t have to constantly rile up the masses with his stupid, annoying lies and could just go back to ignoring them like he did his whole life. Do you think he’s really against abortion and cheap immigrant labor? He’s just making shit up to get votes, but as king he wouldn’t NEED any more votes. As king he could just bask in the worship of his followers and utilize his single, solitary actual skill—hospitality, shoveling tons of bullshit, and providing an endless source of squalid entertainment. But this time it would be of actual use to the country AND keep him occupied so he doesn’t screw up anything important. Win for him, win for his followers, and win for the country! Trump for king!

Although…he is a little weak on the “country before self” thing that Elizabeth II made the norm for royal attitude. So maybe not.

Hiring Season

So, I’ve been getting probably a dozen phone calls a day and half again that many texts from my many “friends” who are looking for money. Not that we don’t all keep an eye out for any stray cash that might be lying on the sidewalk or a check we forgot to deposit, but these particular “friends” are looking for me to give them cash money from my ever-dwindling post-retirement bank account.

You know what that means, folks. That’s right, it’s hiring season again! Yes, it’s time for the annual job recruitment effort for public employees that we call “elections.” And the resumes are pouring in! Get to reading them, everybody, we’ve got a lot of positions to fill and the deadline is coming right up! So who’s on the hiring team with me for this round? Oh, right, it’s you, me and everybody else over 17—at least anybody who wants to and has all their papers proving that they’re really them. Don’t miss your chance to help select our newest employees from entry level up to CEO, and say “you’re fired” to current employees who are lazy, liars, con-men or closet Nazis. Or, you can fire those who AREN’T lazy, lying Nazi cheaters—up to you! You can pick by gender, you can pick by religion or by who has the biggest boobs. Heck, you can refuse to even consider an applicant of the wrong race or who has a disability. That is, you can do all the things that pesky HR person at work keeps telling you aren’t allowed when you’re hiring at your day job. Gosh darn it, when it comes to elections, WE’RE the managers, HR, and the Board of Directors all rolled into one.  

You  know what’s even better? The job search doesn’t cost us anything! The job candidates themselves have to pay for everything! They even spend exorbitant sums of money just to try to get us to READ their job application and make sure we remember their name. And they spend even MORE money to make sure we hear plenty of bad things about all the other job applicants—some of which may even be true! Then they’ll also promise each of us lots of favors if we’ll hire them (take that HR! bribery my butt!). Of course they usually promise each of us different stuff but nobody really expects them to keep their promises—it’s the thought that counts!

So what’s wrong with this? I mean besides the hourly phone calls from my new friend “Spam Risk,” who seems to have confused me with someone he went to elementary school with.  

Well, would this be how you’d find the best candidate to be, say, assistant purchasing manager at your company? Is the best job candidate the one who can spend the most money promoting themself for the job? “Well, we’ll interview you but we’re holding the interview during a week-long stay at the Four Seasons (hotel, not landscaping business), which you’ll have to pay for on your own. Oh, and we also expect you to host a party for our hiring team. And don’t stint! You should know the last successful hire brought a magic show and trained elephants. Can’t afford all that? Well then, you’re clearly not the right person for the job!”

Does your business hire as corporate attorney the lawyer with the most tv ads? Do you pick the finance director based on how many lawn signs they have? Do you hire a techie to update your computer hardware who’s funded his campaign to get the job using money donated by companies trying to sell you equipment? No, in the private world, you choose people based on their actual capability to do the job AND you consciously design the hiring process to ELIMINATE the applicants’ money and connections as a factor—and you certainly screen out applicants who have a conflict of interest because they took money from your business competitors.

So if we want to hire (that is, elect) the best people for the job, we shouldn’t let their candidacy be weighted in favor of those who are best able to convince vested interests to give them money. Those vested interests always want something and it’s usually something that’s NOT in everyone else’s interest. Put job candidates on an equal financial footing by prohibiting private funding of political campaigns and politicians and fund them publicly. And if you’re one of those who’ll miss the robocalls, there’s still the extended car warranty people.