I understand the law-and-order-loving red hats are frothing at the mouth and planning to take to the streets, riot and burn, secede from the union, and hold their breath until they turn blue unless the FBI is disbanded—all because the DOJ thinks Trump needs to follow the same laws that apply to everyone else in the country and thus took government property out of his basement and put it back where it belongs.

You know, if you’re going to threaten to bomb and shoot a bunch of people whenever law enforcement tries to make Trump obey a law, you should at least do the rest of us the favor of telling us exactly WHICH laws Trump shouldn’t have to follow. That way we’ll know in advance what’s going to piss you off. And of course we wouldn’t want to do that, cuz we’re the people who’re concerned about other people’s feelings, right?

So to start things off, I’ll give you MY list of laws that apply to you and me but don’t apply to Trump.

My List: None.

That was quick. Now it’s your turn, MAGA hats. Since you probably have a pretty long list, let me start you off with a time-saver.

MAGA List: Whatever laws Trump doesn’t want to follow

Feel free to fill in specific laws that are REALLY important for Trump to be able to ignore. Like paying your taxes (US Constitution Article 1, Section 8, clause 1) and not putting your children to work for you in high government positions (5 U.S.C. § 3110). I’m sure you’ll come up with many more. If not, Don jr can help—unless his dad flushed the list down the toilet.

Whenever Trump is called out for not following the law, or rules, or common sense, he cries “not fair!” He’s said, “I’m being treated more unfairly than any other person!” In this case, “not fair” is really toddlerese for “I don’t like it and you’re a doo-doo head!”

But for the non-toddlers among us, “not fair” means that certain very special people get things, or get away with things, that YOU can’t. So, like who are all the people who’ve GOTTEN AWAY WITH, say, taking boxes of government documents home, sticking them in their basement and refusing to give them back when asked? Who are the people where law enforcement said, “Well, this person is too popular and important to be held accountable by the law!”  Oh, right, there’s only 1 such person—Donald J Trump. So it’s unfair, alright, it’s unfair that HE gets special favors and the American people get the shaft.

You know, we could make all these worries go away if we just dealt with all the pesky issues with elections, like which voting machines are controlled by which foreign countries using space lasers, whose truck of fake ballots will get to the county seat first, and why black people are even allowed to vote for crying out loud. Let’s solve this problem once and for all. We’ll have just one last election: “Who gets to be king?” Then the king will take over and appoint his friends (and his bodyguard, golf caddy, caterer, and masseuse) to run things and we won’t ever have to vote again (or be allowed to). Just think! No more puzzling over which reality tv star or celebrity blogger would make a handsomer senator, or whose lies about how low THEY’LL make taxes and gas prices are more believable (or more entertaining). Just let the king and the people who kiss his royal butt most worshipfully take care of everything. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Then we don’t have to bother our poor little heads over whether the king is obeying the law. The king MAKES the laws. Heck, the king IS the law! L’état, c’est moi! The Supreme Court will love it for sure. They’re always saying how important it is to do things like back in the day of the Founding Fathers, right? And back THEN we had a king and he did whatever he wanted. Oh, and don’t worry about the whole “taxation without representation” thing that give that old king so much trouble. We’ll still have the best representatives money can buy—provided they’ve proven their loyalty to the king. And of course our new king will be sure we still have the freedom of speech to praise the king as loudly as we want and the freedom to worship at the Christian church of our choice.

Make no mistake, if the “president” can’t be held accountable by law, then you don’t have a president, you have a king. And if you want a king, well, there are some other places you can go.