Ok, I’ve had about all the Trump whining about “witch hunts” that I care to hear in a lifetime. Every time he’s caught with his hand in the cookie jar, it’s a witch hunt. Convicted by a jury of his peers? Witch hunt. Caught on tape demanding the Georgia governor “find” extra votes for him? Witch hunt. Boxes of classified documents that he denied even having found in his bathroom? Witch hunt.

Here’s the thing. The reason that “witch hunt” is such a good term of derision and dismissal for an unfounded and unwarranted investigation is pretty simple. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS WITCHES! Right? I mean, if a real witch was caught and tried to complain “Hey, this is just a witch hunt!” everybody would go, “Well, duh, of course it’s a witch hunt, and we just caught YOU, witch. Who’s got the meat thermometer?” Now obviously, hunting for “witches” is a dangerous farce, intended only to scapegoat some poor innocent for events with which they had no connection. But what if there really were witches? What if someone really could cast a magic spell to make your cow’s milk dry up or your husband run off with the cleaning girl? Then a witch hunt could well be very reasonable, as long as it was based on facts and evidence. In fact, we would all be remiss to NOT hunt for witches. Witch hunting would be our civic duty. The DOJ would have a special bureau for witch-hunting. Texas would put a bounty on them.

Well, even though there are no witches, there really are selfish, greedy, narcissistic bastards who lie, cheat, and steal their way to wealth and high public office, and we’ve got to stop letting them hide behind the skirts of those poor, maligned witches. Rooting out these parasites (whatever party they might belong to) is a necessary, ongoing chore that we can never leave off from—sort of like weeding your garden. Maybe we should call it a “weed hunt.”